


Why Can't You See Me?

by Adorkable757



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, Love Triangle, kai and suho are there, kyungsoo is a popular theater kid, sad ending for one and a happy ending for the other, sehun is a pre-med major who is bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:14:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22067587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adorkable757/pseuds/Adorkable757
Summary: You've always gone to Kyungsoo for comfort, but Sehun's always been the one in your heart. Kyungsoo finally has enough. Why can't you see him? And why can't Sehun see you?
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Reader, Oh Sehun/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	Why Can't You See Me?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this around 2 years ago based on a request that I got on Tumblr!

“Are you sure about this? Don’t you want to drink?”

“I mean yes, I do want to drink, but I’m fine being designated driver,” Kyungsoo says with a shadow of a smile as he puts his car keys in the ignition of his car. The car rumbles to life and he looks over at you with a look akin to mischief. “Besides, I don’t want everyone at the party to see me drunk. I’ve got a reputation to uphold.”

You laugh to yourself and buckle in your seat belt as he pulls out of your apartment’s parking lot. “What reputation? This is _your_ cliques party.”

“We aren’t a clique.”

“Mm. I beg to differ. You look like a clique to anyone who isn’t a theater nerd. Aka _me_.”

You reach a stoplight and he looks at you with wide eyes, smiling in disbelief. “We aren’t theater nerds!”

“All of you are in the theater program, and all of you have a huge hard-on for acting. So yes. You _are_ theater nerds.”

“It’s like you want me to turn this car around-”

“No!” You laugh and grab at this arm playfully as he continues driving towards your destination. The sound of him laughing alongside you fills the small space inside the car, making your insides feel unruly. You loosen your grip on his bicep, but are unable to force yourself to let go entirely. “It’s okay. Even if you were the biggest theater nerd on campus…I’d love you regardless.” At the…confession, you guess you’d call it, you let go of his arm and settle into your seat trying not to think too hard about the deathly quiet that follows.

Heavy silence takes over until you hear him hum out a soft, “Mm.”

You stare out the window at the passing lights in silence for the rest of the ride.

* * *

People are hanging outside on the porch and lawn as you and Kyungsoo walk up the driveway to the open door where music is pouring from the house. Some people are holding cups full of whatever drinks are offered inside and some aren’t. You assume the ones without drinks in their hands are the designated drivers for the night.

Like Kyungsoo.

You see him frown ever so slightly at one of the other guests merrily holding a cup. You pat his shoulder in comfort with a chuckle. He wants to drink too, you see it in his eyes, but if he drinks you’ll have no way home. Neither of you have the money to pay for an Uber both back home and then back in the morning to come get his car. “You offered to drive. You can’t complain now,” you say half teasing him, half serious.

He huffs and walks ahead of you towards the house while you clumsily follow behind. You don’t know many people at this party, so you can't afford to lose him so early on in the night. You only came along because Kyungsoo asked you to...and because you heard that there was going to be free alcohol. You couldn’t turn down your friend.

But you _definitely_ couldn’t turn down free alcohol.

The college kid budget is so real.

The party is just as loud as you expected. A whole table is set up dedicated to booze, and music pumps steadily from the two speakers belonging to the owners of the house. As the two of you enter, people cheer upon seeing Kyungsoo. You hurriedly move away before he gets crowded by his adoring peers.

They just finished their last play of the year and although he wasn’t the star actor (this time) he still stole the show. You don’t remember the name of his character, but you remember the play was dark as fuck and he played one of the sons of the main character. _Titus Andromecus_ you think it was called. You had forced Sehun to come with you and both of you watched the entire thing enraptured, but simultaneity in horror. Hands cut off. People raped. Numerous deaths.

It was heavy.

You shiver at the memory of the play, and make a b-line for the liquor to get rid of the initial nervousness you always feel when you show up to parties that you weren’t personally invited to. Even as Kyungsoo’s guest, a guest of the theater _legend_ , you feel sufficiently out of place. But, it’s nothing a couple of drinks can’t fix.

When you arrive at the table, you see a few bottles of, mainly, cheap vodka and a huge bin full of hunch punch. Punch of the most potent alcohol and whatever mixers the hosts could come up with.

You have no clue what might be in the mystery punch, but it’s better than drinking straight vodka so early on in the evening. So, you grab a cup and scoop some of the red drink up. It takes a single sip for your face to scrunch up in disgust.

You feel Kyungsoo’s presence beside you then. He peeks over your shoulder, all wide eyes filled with unspoken amusement at your expression. “Why’d you run off?” he asks looking at the punch in the clear bin. You cringe as you take another sip before answering.

“I knew your fans would hound you, so I went ahead and escaped. You needed your time to shine without me looming behind you,” you explain honestly.

He seems a bit unhappy with your words but doesn’t ask you to explain any further. “What’s in the punch this time?” he questions while grabbing your cup from your hand and sniffing it. He recoils dramatically before he shoves the cup back into your hand. “Holy shit. It _smells_ strong.”

“It is,” you croak out, throat burning. “It tastes like…" you take another generous sip, "everclear and some kind of strawberry punch.” You take another sip and stick your tongue out in disgust. Kyungsoo laughs and you smile through your distaste. “ _Poorly mixed_ everclear and strawberry punch,” you clarify with a laugh. You've been to enough parties like this to know that they must have poured the liquor on top of the punch and didn't bother to mix it. This is _not_ going to be a good night if you drink too much more from the top of the batch.

He grabs your free hand and pulls you away from the table. “Don’t drink too fast. We have a game of beer pong to win first,” he says. You see the competitive spark in his eyes that he usually tries to hide, and you feel yourself giving in to him.

As you always do with Do Kyungsoo.

The beer pong game starts, but never finishes because the two guys you were playing against had started singing and quoting the entirety of the _Wicked_ musical during one of your turns, to which yourpartner _quickly_ joined in. Before you knew it, everyone in the house was belting out the words to “Defying Gravity”. The music being played from the speaker goes from standard pop to songs from various musicals and you roll your eyes as Kyungsoo’s words come back to mind.

Not theater nerds he says.

You’ve _never_ been to any other party where songs from musicals are played instead of regular music. No parties except theater kid parties.

And it happens _every_ time.

You know that this means that at this point in the party at least half of the attendants are dead drunk. You only feel slightly buzzed after having finished your first drink. You watch Kyungsoo lean on one of his friends singing his heart out to “Morning Glow” from _Pippin_ with a faint smile on your face. It makes you warm to see him having a good time with his friends.

Time for another drink.

Your phone vibrates in your pocket as you make your way back upstairs after the basement beer pong game, and you pull it out with slightly shaky fingers.

Fuck. That drink is starting to hit you fast.

Sehun’s name shines brightly on your screen as he calls and you don’t hesitate to swipe your finger across the screen and bring it to your ear.

“Hello there,” you chirp into the receiver.

There’s a pause before he responds. “Are you drunk?”

You snort. “I wish. No. I’ve only had one drink so far. Going for number two and three as we speak.” You hold the phone to your ear as you scoop more punch into your cup and lift it to your lips.

“Where are you?”

“At Soo’s theater party.”

“That was tonight?”

“Yep. It’s not over yet though. You could still make it if you tried, but I warn you, they’ve gone into musical mode and I don’t see them leaving it any time soon.” As if the DJ could hear you, the music switches from _Evita_ to _High School Musical._ Oh! Now you're tempted to join in.

Sehun's voice breaks through your interest in the music change, “…I don’t know I’m kind of tired.”

“Come on! You’ll be stuck in labs for the next two weeks. I miss hanging out with you, you know?” He starts to make excuses and you listen with a frown. He always has some reason or another not to come out. You watch the people around distractedly and smile as someone you actually know approaches you. “Kai! Hey!” you call out, interrupting Sehun.

“Oh Jongin’s there?” Sehun asks in your ear. You grunt and smile to the handsome friend of your friends. You don't really know him personally, but you've seen and heard his name enough to nearly feel like you do.

He says your name as if its a question. As if he's not sure that it's _actually_ your name. "You came to the musical wrap-up party last semester with Kyungsoo didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I was at literally every show. Moral support and whatnot,” you shrug shyly and remember you’re still holding Sehun on the phone as you chat with the (you think) dance major in front of you. You fumble over your words before trying to address the guy on the phone. “Oh, uh Seh-”

“When did you and Kyungsoo start dating?” Kai cuts you off, leans on the table behind him, and crosses his arms over his chest. A small smirk settles on his face as he looks at you. Your eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets as you’re left without words.

You feel your face heating up at the question and at the memory that you’re still holding Sehun over the phone. Why haven’t either of you hung up?! “Uh…I uh,” you cough nervously. You cup the receiver with your hand and whisper, “Uh Sehun I’ll call you later-”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m on the way. Be there in 10,” he says before the line goes dead. You blink down at your phone dumbly and then back at Kai who is looking at you highly amused with his stupid pretty eyebrow quirked as he patiently waits for your answer.

You bring your drink to your lips once more, after shoving your phone in your pocket, and swallow the rest of the slightly less alcohol saturated version of the hunch punch as you think of what to respond with. “We uh…we aren’t going out. We’re just friends,” you tell him truthfully, your words muffled by your cup.

His head tilts curiously. “So…are you dating the guy you were always sitting with at the shows?”

“Sehun?”

He brightens and smiles excitedly. “That was Sehun!? Whenever I asked him if he came to see me dance in the show he said no!” he pouts to himself and glares at nothing in the distance. “That brat.”

You chuckle. “Yeah he came with me.”

“Then _he’s_ your boyfriend-”

“No. I’m not dating either of them. All of us…are just…friends. Okay?”

He narrows his eyes and leans forward to take in your expression. It’s then that you can smell the slight alcohol from his breath. “For some reason…I don’t quite believe that’s the truth-”

“Kim Kai!” Kyungsoo’s voice startles you and Kai apart, and you bring your cup to you face again to hide the heat once more rising to your cheeks. You and the guy weren’t doing anything illegal, but you feel as if you’ve been caught in some forbidden rendezvous with him.

Maybe it’s the alcohol in your system making you feel so…weird. You scoop up a bit more punch from the bin next to you.

“Kyungsoo! I was just talking about you.”

Kyungsoo looks surprised when he looks at you and you shrug noncommittally at Kai’s words, choosing to nurse your drink and get as much out of this whole free alcohol thing as you can without seriously endangering your health. “What were you talking about?” your friend asks.

You panic. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself is the reason why you do what you do next. You yelp and grab Kyungsoo’s wrist to pull him away before Kai can make anything awkward. You haven’t known the taller long, but you know enough about him to know that when it comes to Kyungsoo…he keeps no secrets. 

Kyungsoo's laugh trails behind you as you drag him along, and your heart flutters because there’s just something about his laugh at makes your insides flip happily. Something about being able to make him laugh that makes you happy.

You stop and let go of his wrist once you’re outside but for some reason you can’t get yourself to face your actor of a friend. When his hands cup your cheeks and force you to look at him, you give in.

Like you always do with Do Kyungsoo.

His hands are cool on your hot cheeks and his gaze is almost intimidating as he smiles and looks at you in the dim light of the yard. You feel your body swaying, but it’s not severe enough for you to care.

It doesn’t help that he’s holding onto your face so securely and making that dumb face where he’s laughing and his face squishes up and his head tilts back. Once he recovers and you’re able to get yourself to stop gushing in your head over how _cute_ he is, he squeezes your face a bit tighter. “You’re going to be _so_ sick tomorrow morning.”

You snort. “Am not.”

His smile widens at your denial. “Yeah you are.”

His hands squish your face lightly and he even goes as far as mocking your expression. Through your pursed lips you mutter, “I’m so sober right now. I’m fine. I’m a capable adult.”

He laughs once again and unwanted thoughts run through your head. Maybe it’s because you’re nearly drunk, but Kyungsoo looks really handsome glowing in the dim lighting of the yard -at a place where he feels truly comfortable. He shines his brightest like this. Your eyes flicker down to his lips and Kai’s words ring inside your head. Why _aren’t_ you dating Kyungsoo? He’s your neighbor. He’s nice. He’s all you could ask for in a boyfriend.

He cooks -hell he _likes_ cooking-, he has a knack for taking care of those around him, he’s funny when he’s in the mood. You can’t count the number of times he’s had you in tears at the stupid things he does when he feels humorous.

You want to kiss him. Just to see what it would feel like. Just to see if it would be anything like you imagine it might be. You swallow nervously when you look back at his eyes to see him watching you carefully. The hint of a smile still lingers on his lips as he seems to sober up ever so slightly. Did he catch you looking at his lips? Oh shit how do you explain yourself? You can’t even try to tell the truth because you know that your thoughts weren’t innocent and what lie can you come up with you cover yourself-

“I like you…,” you hear him say and your heart nearly stops beating. Your name escapes his lips so quietly you might not have caught it had you not been listening so hard to figure out what was going to come from his mouth next. “I like you,” he repeats, voice steady as he speaks. “A lot.” He says the words breathlessly, boldly, with no regard for the people around you who could overhear. But, no one seems to care about your conversation. No one seems to pay any attention, even as you feel your world closing in on you. Your heart races and you figure that it’s a mix of the alcohol in your system, your nerves, and the fact that you kind of already knew. You already kind of knew about his heart. You had a feeling, but hearing him say it aloud doesn’t floor you any less.

Speechless. You can’t find any words and you can’t get any cognitive functions to fucking _work_ and it’s frustrating because it’s _Kyungsoo_. You’ve known Kyungsoo since you both somehow got stuck together in a class project with three other useless classmates two years ago. You and Kyungsoo were the only ones who actually put any work into the assignment and met up fairly often trying to get the thing done before the due date. Late night conversations. Hushed cursing. Jokes at the expense of your peers.

And…you became friends through a mutual frustration with your classmates. You learned about his interests. Started going to shows to see him outside of class. Traded numbers to keep in contact after your shared class ended for the semester.

Alright maybe you like him just a _little_ more than you should a friend.

His hands don’t move from your face as you soak in his words, his confession. Not drunk enough to completely lose sight of your senses, you notice him leaning closer. Farther down towards your mouth. Your lips.

Why don’t you date Kyungsoo?

It would be so easy…

Eyes flutter closed and breath ghosts over your lips as you wait for his to make contact with your own.

You startle when you hear your name being called cheerfully from a distance away. You know that voice. Know that tone. Know that feeling at hearing your name coming from his mouth.

Sehun.

Oh yeah. That’s why. Because of Sehun.

Kyungsoo and you separate quickly, right as his lips nearly touch yours. The ghost of what _almost_ was is all that you're left with as you turn to find Sehun walking towards the two of you. You plaster on a smile when you see him approaching. Half of your heart hurts at having turned away from Kyungsoo so quickly, but the other half is beyond excited to see Sehun.

What can you do? You’re in love with him.

“You made it!” You call out cheerfully. His handsome face smiles happily and he drapes one long arm over your shoulder in a half hug. You avoid Kyungsoo’s eyes as Sehun and him greet one another.

Kyungsoo knows that you like Sehun. He knows that you like him more than you should, but he stays by your side and continues to be more than you deserve to have at your side. Hurting himself for your sake.

But for some reason you can’t let him go.

Why won’t you stop stringing him along and let him go?

Sehun continues to talk to Kyungsoo and you accidentally catch the shorter’s eyes. He flushes and looks away only to point behind himself. “I’m going to go finish something up inside and then I’ll be back out.” He smiles and cooly walks inside, but you see the way his hands clench nervously at his sides.

“Wow, you really are drunk aren’t you?” Sehun asks, bending down to meet your eyes. Face too close. You shy away and push yourself from under his arm. You like Sehun, but you don’t know if he likes you. Why won’t he stop stringing you along and let you go?

When will he see you?

“Your cheeks,” he says poking your face lightly. “They’re really pink,” he says, taking your silence for confusion and your blush for nothing but a product of your drinking.

Choosing not to directly answer his question, you ask your own. “How’d you get here? I don’t see your car.”

“I caught an Uber. I finished up my work and came from my dorm,” he explains. His face set in that neutral intimidating expression that scares a lot of people away.

That expression that for some reason just makes you fall for him more and more. Farther and farther as you learn to read the minor shifts in his eyebrows, in his lips, in his eyes.

You’re so fucked. You know it, but you can’t control your heart. You can’t help that you fell for the boy who sees you as nothing more than a friend. Can’t help that you didn’t fall for someone like Kyungsoo who isn’t hidden from you.

You sigh internally.

“Are you okay? Do you want to go in and sit down?” he asks, concern showing on his face. You blink slowly as you take in his expression. Do you want to go back in?

You smile halfheartedly and wobble on your feet. “No. I need more air. I’ve…I’ve drunk enough and if I go in I know I’ll end up picking up another cup if I see any more alcohol. Go say hi to Kai and apologize for lying to him about not seeing him at the musical because he knows the truth. Why would you lie about not coming to see the musical? He was so excited to see-”

His large hand covers your mouth and it takes you a moment to realize why your words are coming out muffled in your ears. When your mind catches up with the world around you, you take in Sehun silently laughing at you. Doing that adorable laugh where he’s smiling and his shoulders are shaking but he isn’t making much noise.

Your heart constricts.

“Wait here. I’ll come after I find Jongin,” he says smiling in a way that hurts too much to explain. Friendly. The only thing in his smile is friendliness. Sehun runs off and you settle on the grass surrounded by drunk party-goers.

You exhale heavily.

* * *

You stick your key into your apartment’s door to let yourself in after a long day of studying at the student center on campus. Your bag hangs off your shoulder haphazardly as you push into the room, tiredly allowing yourself to be comforted by the familiar sight and smell of your tiny apartment.

Trudging to the kitchen, you drab a drink and snack out of the cupboard before making your way to your couch. You toss your bag onto the ground and flop onto the piece of furniture, letting your body relax against the slightly uncomfortable cushions.

Finals are swallowing you whole. You had two tests earlier this week, and within the next 4 days you’ve got one other test and an essay (that you haven’t even _started_ to look at) due.

You haven’t gone to any kind of social event since the theater party with Kyungsoo last weekend, but you deserve a chance to breathe this weekend. You’ve been studying all day -correction, all _week_ \- and the last thing you want to do for the next 24 hours (at the least) is look at anything school related.

Maybe you’ll invite Sehun over. You know that he’s been drowning in work for his pre-med classes and could use a breather as well.

Yeah, you’ll call him over. It feels like you haven’t seen him in days. You aren’t use to going so long without him around. You’ve only seen him one another time since the party; you miss him.

The two of you have been extremely close since your days meeting as awkward college freshman. When he’d accidentally walked into your World History lecture in your first semester at this university (in the middle of the god dammed semester at that), and then _stayed_ even after discovering he was in the wrong class.

That day he first walked in, you watched him try to slyly look at his schedule to double check whether he was in the right place, but before he could put it away you caught sight of the room he should have actually been in.

Knowing he was supposed to be in another room, and that you hadn’t had any success making friends, you took the initiative to try and make one of your first new friends in college by tapping his shoulder and telling him that the room he was looking for wasn’t that one. That it was down one of the hallways that have been put just enough out of the way that everyone totally overlooks.

He was shocked to have some random person talking to him, but thank god he didn’t leave you hanging. Instead of immediately getting up and walking out (as any _responsible_ student should have), he stayed in your class, giving the response that he would look lame if he got up and left in the middle of the lecture. He refused to show weakness, so he said.

You soon found out this was his second time even attempting going to the class he was supposed to be sitting in. He hadn’t been since syllabus week at the beginning of the semester, and only came today because it was their first test.

For some reason, he decided to stay in your class permanently. He had to drop his Intro to Anthropology class, and just decided to…sit in on your class without being signed up or required to take it. You still haven’t been able to make sense of his logic behind it.

The two of you became inseparable after that.

Three years later and the two of you are still best friends who are, more often than not, mistaken for lovers.

And as much as it doesn’t bother you when people say it (hell it makes your heart soar and your face break into a smile at the very _thought_ ), it seems perfectly clear that Sehun isn’t as okay with the thought. He is always the first of the two of you to speak up and tell people of your completely _platonic_ relationship. It kind of hurts how quickly he puts the thought down. You don’t dare to admit to him that you’ve liked him as more than just a friend for a while now…

You can’t stand the thought of him ending your friendship because of your one-sided love.

Now that you think about it, maybe you shouldn’t invite Sehun over.

You gulp down what’s left of your drink, and pace around your living room debating on whether or not to call Sehun over or to go to Kyungsoo’s. You know that the communication major is home, but you can’t quite convince yourself that going over is a good idea.

Neither you nor Kyungsoo have talked about what happened, or what _almost_ happened, last weekend and you aren’t sure that you…can. You don’t know what it is that you are supposed to say. It’s not that you haven’t talked. You have. In one of the classes you share. Over the phone when you’re both bored. It’s eerily normal.

It’s as if the whole thing didn’t happen, and you wonder if maybe your drunk mind conjured up part of the night.

But you know for a fact that you weren’t _that_ drunk. You didn’t even wake up with a hangover.

Fuck it.

You swipe your apartment keys up and trudge out the door and stop at the door directly across from your own. Why are you nervous? You shouldn’t feel so nervous.

2 knocks and your heart speeds up in hopes that maybe he isn’t home.

But you know that he is. Your schedules are almost identical and when you hear the sounds behind his door as he moves in your direction, any lingering hope you have of having a reason to escape dashes down the hall. His door opens and he looks marginally surprised to see you on the other side.

A smile stretches across his face and he pushes his glasses higher up his nose. “Can I hang here for a while?” you question, rocking on your heels nervously. Why are you so _nervous_? Wordlessly he opens the door wider and you step inside as if it was your own home. You take your shoes off and make your way to his fridge where you help yourself to a glass of the cheap white wine sitting in the door that he doesn’t even drink.

But he knows that you do.

So, he buys it anyway when he goes grocery shopping and has extra money, inviting you over so that you can open the bottle together.

You frown to yourself and take your cup with you as you fall into the spot beside him. His table is covered in papers and you can see at least 10 tabs open on his laptop, all related to his EMST classes.

He has to study, you know he does. You know he does better when he isn’t distracted. Preferring to be alone when he’s trying to cram information into his head…

But he let you in anyway.

Mentally, you fight yourself on whether or not to turn the TV on. The quiet around you feels uncharacteristically suffocating. You can usually handle sitting in silence with Kyungsoo because he’s comfortable. Being around Kyungsoo is comfortable.

But it’s never exciting.

And you’re shitty for thinking that and even shittier for wanting him to be someone he isn’t. Being around Kyungsoo always makes you feel safe and you feel content, but you want more than that. You want him to get angry with you. To get pissed when you do something stupid. You want to argue with him and have him ignore you until one of you finally caves and apologizes.

You want him to act…more like Sehun.

The realization pisses you off more than anything. Why does everything always go back to Sehun?

Why doesn’t Kyungsoo try to fight for you? Why does he let you treat him like this when he knows that you love Sehun? When he knows that you’re pulling him along with no set end in sight for either of you?

When he knows that you’re only hurting him because you’re being hurt as well?

Your grip on the glass tightens and you feel the condensation from the wine turning into thick drops against your hand. Before you can accidentally break his glass, you set it on the table away from any of his papers. The clink is louder than you intended when it meets the table, but the sound catches his attention.

His eyes are wide looking at your own. “What?”

What? Isn’t that the question?

What are you both doing here? What does he want from you? What do you want from him? What game are you both playing?

Or maybe the question is how long? How long can the two of you go on pretending that you aren’t aware of your own and each other’s feelings?

How long until you see him?

“What are we doing here Kyungsoo?” Uneasy words escape from your lips. Where are you going with this? What are you trying to get out of him?

Feigned confusion. You don’t know how you can tell he’s pretending to be confused. Maybe it’s because you’ve seen him on stage enough times to know by now.

He’s a good actor, but you’re good at noticing him. At noticing the things about him.

And you know he’s pretending.

But you’re done. Done playing this game. Acting in this play. You both need answers. You can’t stay stuck here for the rest of your lives.

“Why are we still doing this? This…what _is_ this? I…why are you still here? With me? Why are you doing this? I…” the words are in your head but die as soon at they touch your tongue. You feel tears pricking at your eyes in frustration. Why can’t you express yourself sensibly? You cover your eyes with your hands and exhale shakily. Get it together. You have to get it together or the two of you will be stuck in this comfortable…but unhappy place for the rest of your time together. You don't want that for yourself. Especially not for him.

He isn’t looking at you when you look back up, instead staring down at his hands sitting his lap as he picks at the edges of his nails. Guilty. You feel guilty for making him look guilty.

But you’re both guilty of being dumb.

“I like Sehun…” you utter aloud to him for the first time. “I like Sehun, and you know that. You know that but you’re still…here. Why aren’t you angry at me? Angry at him? Don’t you like me? Why don’t you even _try_ to fight for me?”

His movements are slow as he looks up at you. Your throat tightens at the threat of tears and you swipe at your eyes before anything can fall. “Do you think I like sitting off to the side? Cheering you both on even though it breaks my own heart too? Do you honestly think that I’m okay feeling like the third wheel when the three of us are together?

“I hate feeling this way. I hate seeing you both together. I hate how he looks at you not knowing how much you love him. I hate how happy he makes you, but…I love seeing you happy. I’m not angry. I could never be angry with you, and I can’t be angry with him because it’s not his fault. I just wish that I was him, you know? I wish you’d look at me even half of the way that you look at him. I wish I was the first person you wanted to talk to and not just a back-up. But I’m not. I’m not and for some reason I’m okay with it. I’m okay with it because I still get to be around you and I can still do…something to make you smile on the days you can’t see him.

“It’s fucked because when I look at you I can see myself. I can see how much he means to you and how bad you wish he would look at you, but you know what? I wish you would look at me. Why can’t you see me? I’m right here, all the time, but you won’t even give me a chance. There’s no space for me in your heart. That’s why I don’t fight for you. Because no matter what I do, nothing I can do will remove him from that spot in your heart. No one else will ever be as good, and I understand that more than I think even _you_ know.” His words strike at your heart. They rip at you in a way you never thought that Kyungoo's words ever could.

The hurt and honesty in his voice chokes you up, but you don’t cry. You stare at him in understanding and sadness at the reality of how much he’s felt and how exactly you’ve played a role in it. At how much you understand him, but can’t console him.

Because he’s right.

“I’m sorry,” you try to keep your voice stable as you explain yourself. He deserves an explanation at least doesn’t he? “I wish…things were different too you know? I just…I like you Kyungsoo. I do.” He scoffs out a laugh and shakes his head to himself. “I like you, but…it happened at the wrong time. Us meeting. Maybe if we’d met before, or maybe if…I don’t know. I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend and not taking your feelings into consideration. You didn’t…you _don’t_ deserve this from me. From anybody. I shouldn’t use your affection as a substitute for whatever the fuck I’m trying to get out of Sehun. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me. I understand.” He smiles and you know you don’t deserve him. “You can’t control who you fall in love with right?” he breathes. You can’t control who you fall in love with, but you still shouldn’t have used him just because he was there.

You feel a weight lift off your chest even as a sadness at what you’re giving up starts to press down on you. At least you both know where your hearts are. The words are out and it might hurt for a while, but you can both move on from here. That's what important. You aren't stuck in limbo, you can both move on from this.

Awkward silence falls around you and you lick your chapped lips as thoughts fill your head. Does this mean you need to talk to Sehun? Where does this leave you and Kyungsoo?

“Are we…still friends?” you question nervously.

He smiles that one smile that kind of breaks your heart because you can see the thinly covered pain as he tries to put on a brave face. “Of course-” you open your mouth to apologize once again “-but I need some time. Maybe…we should give each other some distance for a few days? Just to…have time to go back to normal you know?”

You close your mouth and force yourself to nod. You don’t like the idea of it, but he needs it. The least you can do is give him some space.

“Alright. Just…call me whenever I guess. I’m still here for you whenever you need me.”

“Yeah,” he laughs quietly and you stand from your seat ready to make your leave. Taking this as your cue to get out. “You should talk to Sehun. I…you might be surprised if you tell him how you feel.”

You narrow your eyes and frown slightly. “What do you-”

“You might be afraid of confessing…but I think he’s more afraid of admitting his feelings to himself. Now go before I regret having said anything.”

“But-” he stands up and waves you away playfully.

“Go, go. Hurry. Leave.” You’re pushed out of his apartment feeling weirdly brave after hearing his words.

You don’t hear the soft thump as Kyungsoo leans against the other side of his closed door.

* * *

“Oh Sehun!” you call out. His steps stutter in the middle of his walk up the stairs to his dorm building. You had planned on showing up and waiting for him in his room, but somehow you caught him right as he was returning for the night. Kyungsoo’s words push you forward with a confidence you’re sure will leave as soon as you’re within 5 feet of Sehun. When he turns around, your breath all but leaves your lungs and you have to remind yourself to breathe. “Did you just finish studying?”

He nods and waits for you to catch up to him before saying anything else. “Why are you here?”

“Can’t I come see my favorite person every once in a while?” He sets his lips in a line and turns away from you, not even trying to humor you. “Okay fine, I need to talk to you. It’s important so don’t ask if it could wait.” You trail behind him as he strolls to his room. Even tired and casual the guy is like a model. Your heart didn’t stand a chance against him.

His roommate and him never lock their door, so he opens it without even pulling out his keys. As expected his roommate isn’t home, but you see a dish full of food sitting on the living room table showing you that he was at some point earlier.

Sehun groans, pulls out his phone to take a picture of the left-out plate and sends an annoyed message to the person in question. “…always leaving his food out…’s how we get ants…” he complains under his breath and you snicker. He complains about Junmyeon all the time, but you know neither of them would be able to survive without the other.

“Where’s Junmyeon now?”

“Dunno. I think he had a shift today maybe.”

“Shouldn’t you know? You live with him…”

“Junmyeon is a grown man. I’m not his nanny.”

You frown to yourself. Someone’s in a bad mood today. Deciding it’s for the best if you just wait for him in his room until he’s done stalking around his dorm complaining, you escape from his side. Maybe you shouldn’t have this talk with him today…fuck what were you thinking coming all the way here to confess or something? What kind of bullshit are you on?!

“So what did you come here for again?” His voice startles you, and you try to keep yourself from having a heart attack when you turn around to find him leaning against his closed door with his arms crossed over his chest.

God dammit why is he so attractive doing _nothing_ …

“I…uh…okay so the thing is…” Embarrassment creeps up your neck, and you begin to wonder why you didn’t plan this out in your head while you were heading over here. You had plenty of time to think, but you just…didn’t.

“Look, if you don’t know what you want to say-”

“Kyungsoo likes me!” you blurt. The words slip off your tongue in a rush as your brain rattles off all the things you wanted to say like a slideshow in your head. You don’t know why that’s the thing that came out first. His eyes widen and you see the tension in his shoulders. “He told me he likes me…like a week ago. At the theater party…before you came up. But he told me again today…after I finished studying when I went to his apartment.”

His neutral expression shifts into a slight frown. “Okay? Why should I care whether he likes you? Do you want to hear congratulations or something?”

“I don’t fucking know, I’d like to hear _something_ Sehun.” Your voice raises slightly in frustration.

He tosses his hands in the air ready to match your volume. “Whoop-de-doo. I hope you two are very fucking happy together. Are we done here? I don’t care about you and Kyungsoo’s relationship. I’m tired and you’re only making my head hurt-”

“No! You always do this! Whenever I talk about Kyungsoo you get all pissy and change the subject. Why!? What is your fucking problem? He’s your friend too and it’s not like you like me or anything so I don't see why you're always so fucking distant-”

“You’re right. I don’t,” he cuts in monotonously.

You groan angrily. “Fuck you. Maybe I should go ahead and date Kyungsoo. At least he knows how to fucking communicate you absolute pompous pri-”

“Go ahead! Why _don’t_ you date Kyungsoo since you’re so in fucking love with him-”

“Because I love _you_ , you _jackass_!” your shout shuts him up and you’re left panting in frustration. You close your eyes and turn away from him. This isn’t how you expected this conversation to go. Taking in a breath you boldly stare him down as you face your fears. “Because…I love _you_ , okay? I…I’ve been in love with you for…most of the time I’ve known you.

“He told me he liked me but I couldn’t even return the feelings because I’m stuck being in love with you. And it hurts. It hurts me, and I’ve been hurting him because…you keep hurting me. I know you don’t mean to do it, but…being in love with you knowing you only like me as a friend hurts so bad, but I didn’t want to stop being around you, so I let myself feel like shit." All of your courage rushes out of you. "God, I feel so stupid and embarrassed. I’m sorry I’ll just leave I shouldn’t have come in the first plac-” you make a move to the blocked door ready to push him out of the way so that you can escape with your shame, but he grabs your shoulders and keeps you from moving.

You struggle halfheartedly in his grip, only slightly trying to shake his hands off. “Are you serious?” he asks.

You roll your eyes harder than you ever have in your entire life, you think. “No, I’m joking. The very idea of traumatizing myself and confessing to you just sounded like so much fucking fun I figured I’d give it a try-” lips touch your cheek and you’re stunned into silence. You blink up with wide eyes to see the light pink dusting across his cheeks as he avoids your eyes.

“I- I uh like you too…" you see the gears turning in his brain as his brows furrow. You can see the red creeping up the side of his neck. "I thought you liked Kyungsoo so I…I never said anything. I knew he liked you, and I didn’t want to get in the way. I guess I just thought you’d never…” he shrugs sheepishly “…never look at me.”

Feeling bold suddenly, you slide your hands up to cup his face, forcing him to look into your eyes. When you smile at him you see his own face brighten ever so slightly. “You’re the only person that I see.”

Looking at your face, his heart pounds in his chest. Sehun feels himself give in to you like he always does…when he’s with you.


End file.
